


Dean's Year of Regret

by Nice_Assgard



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-06
Updated: 2012-11-06
Packaged: 2017-11-18 02:54:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/556081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nice_Assgard/pseuds/Nice_Assgard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's spent most of his life feeling guilty. Guilty about his mother's death, how his brother's life has turned about, and about every person he couldn't save. This last year he's spend most of it feeling guilty about Cas and the way things ended. He visits the lake on the anniversary of Cas' death with a bottle of beer and Cas' trench coat to let things out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dean's Year of Regret

I bet you think I don’t miss you. That we all just went on with our lives and forgot about you. 

You’d be wrong, Cas.

When I think about you, it’s not as a God, an emotionless angel, or some empty vessel – but Cas, the guy who pulled me outta hell and saved my ass more times than I care to remember. And I do remember. How you always came when we called, how you rebelled, for me, and went along with any plan we had going, even if it was bound to end badly – because you were our friend and we were yours. 

I told you once to never change, and even though those souls, well... they changed you, Cas, under it all you were that same nerd angel that I loved. The angel who wasn’t afraid to give me a beating when I needed it, tell me the worst Enochian jokes, or go on bender just because, hey, you could. 

Sam and Bobby saw right through me too, you know? Bottling things up, that’s second nature to me, but they both knew I’d lost one of the best friends I’d ever had. Even after your trench coat washed up at the lake, that dirty thing you never took off, I never stopped praying for you, Cas. Maybe a message got through, I don’t know. Maybe I never will.

You said everyone had their own individual Heaven; memories they like to relive. I can’t begin to think what your Heaven is, or if angels even have one, but I know mine would be dedicated to you, Sam and Bobby. Every morning I wake up and wonder if today is the day I’ll kick the bucket, and when I finally choke I’m gonna make you notice mine. There’ll be a big neon sign saying, ‘Look here, Cas, Dean made it!’ and when you see it, you better come running.

You’ve been bruised, broken, cut...and killed because of me and Sam. You’ve killed your own kind for us, Cas, friendship doesn’t get stronger than that. That’s why I felt betrayed when I found out about your deal with Crowley. You were there for us so many times but when you were the one in trouble - a civil war for God’s sake - you went to him for help. You were foolish, Cas. Crowley? You’d have been better off making a deal with the Impala all the good he did you. Look where you ended up - drunk with souls you couldn’t control. I told you that you and Bobby were the closest thing I had to family besides Sam, but by then you were in too deep. Why didn’t you ask for help before it was too late? 

Thinking about it, if I had to take back everything - from the moment you gripped me tight and raised me from hell, to when the Leviathan took over you - I wouldn’t. Sure, I’d do things differently, very differently, but you were always stronger than you looked, and I’m selfish. I needed you, Cas. I still do.

It’s been almost a year. A year since I saw you slip into that water, even if it wasn’t truly you, a year of me regretting that I didn’t do enough to save you. We’ve been... struggling since you left. What with the Leviathan, Bobby’s house burning down and Sam’s own personal demons, I haven’t exactly been dealing with this, you, that well. I didn’t have to come, Sam’s off hunting a vampire in Detroit, just like the good old days, I guess. Except if that were true, you’d be here, Cas. And, of course, you’re not.

What I’m trying to say, what I didn’t have chance to say... before, is that I’m sorry. Whichever way you look at it, we were the ones that forced you into that losing corner. Me more than most. Right at the end when you were really you, the old Cas, you apologised and said you regretted everything. I forgave you... but I had no right. I should have been the one repenting. Letting you go - that’s the worst thing I’ve ever done.

I’m sorry, Cas.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know if I captured Dean's voice particularly well so any feedback would be appreciated. I posted this on my (now dormant) fanfiction.net account last year, under 'Backchatgirl', so don't worry if you've seen it before!


End file.
